The beginning of a new life

The Purpose Driven Life

It took one person to knock some solid sense in me and get me thinking about the bigger picture in life.

Today , 17-NOV-2009.. I signing a covenant and am going to embark on a 40 day journey with God to find my purpose in life.

As I look back at my life and what my dreams and aspirations were, it is filled with so much ambitions. I place so much emphasis on success. I thought that would be enough to feed my soul, but yet, I still feel hungry. I have yet to be satisfied despite all my success. My need for something more in life has left me incredibly frustrated.

Hence, my decision to change and opt for the truth. I have taken God's graces for granted, and its time .. just about time for me to start appreciating Him.

So today, I have learnt, its not all about me... and how do I feel about it ? Scared.. life is not about me.. am I able to handle it when I use to allow it to revolve around me. Well I shall take up the challenge and learn to focus on the bigger things in life. The first sentence itself has alerted me to the massive problem in my life.. self -centeredness. I am willing and praying hard for God to walk this journey with me and help me discover my purpose in life.

"Everything begins in Him and shall find its purpose in Him"

The end of an era

It took me 5 solid years to get to where I am today. I dreamt about this day where I can walk proudly, be confident of my knowledge, skills and abilities and it has finally arrived..

I shall step into the next phase of my life with mixed emotions. The estatic feeling has passed, and now reality has sunk in. Life will never really be the same again. The responsibilities just increase in tens of folds..

Defining true happiness no longer means passing exams.. as my parents say, " We don't expect less from you" , and I don't expect less from myself.. there has to be something more.. something more meaningful..

I have met many people along the way which has contributed greatly to my life experience.Some intrigue me, so make fantastic friends, some will just be existence in my life. But no matter what and who they are, I am grateful for meeting each and every person that has crossed paths with me.

Looking back at who I was 5 years ago, and who I am now.. sure my life seemed so much simpler 5 years back, and maybe I have grown to be complicated, but hey... complication is the essence of life. If there is no complications, there is no reward for acheiving anything.

As a friend said to me, "We are complicated human beings, with complicated minds.. you just have to embrace that and stand firm on your grounds.. Fill the gaps in your life with God's presence and love yourself above all".

As this year draws to an end.. all I hope to do is toast to a new year ahead of me with the people I love and care.

Sometimes i just sit back and wonder how different my life would be if I had chosen a different path. What if I never came to Australia ? What if i walked down the finance line.. or the medical line ?? What if I was artistic..but yet, this is the path I took. I wouldn't say it was something I planned.. hell no, i did not know what a pharmacist was, let alone plan to be one !!!

As the wrath of my internship comes to an end, I wonder if I am truly happy or satisfied. Without a doubt, this has been an incredible journey. Five years.. that's half a decade of half work dedicated to pharmacy. Everything in my life has been about pharmacy..

Nevertheless, i yearn for so much more.. what if this is just the tip of the ice berg to greater things. Am I capable of it ?? Somedays I wish i had decided to be a dr much earlier.. and on others, I think I would be a better doctor now that I have matured. Not so much in terms of the knowledge, but maturity. Part of becoming a good doctor means, being mature, able to take responsibility and deal with people from all walks of life. Compassion is something that comes with age too..

As a human being, I believe I would be completely satisfied in life, if I am able to save a life.. If i am able to be 100% sure that I can save a life. I hate being an adjunct to a life saving process. But, what must I give up to acheive that personal satisfaction ?? Is it worth it ? Will my future kids suffer the wrath of my selfish desires to push myself to the absolute limit ??

Some people are followers, some people are born leaders.. some prefer to stay in their comfort zone and some thrive on challenge.. I am one for the latter..

So.. what the heck do I do now ??? Where does life take me ??

The well equipped woman

Today morning marked the first official Sat off in almost 2 years. It feels fantastic.

Up and about by 8 am, did a quick clean of the apt and headed off to the gym for an excellent session.

Walked down to Melb central , got some lunch and now sitting here in the library.. waiting for my best bud to show up for a crash study session.. Perfect !!

A thought just came to my mind while I was doodling away here... im pretty much well equipped :)

There is nothing I really don't have.. oh well except for the Ipod Nano that Im dying to get.

Oh well.. better get back to some serious studies..

Signing off... gosh i love my new headphones... superb!!

Deciding on "Mr.Right for the Time Being"

Over the past months I have dated a series of men. From well educated medical specialist , to unscrupulous lawyers, pretty boys and younger men.. Now I am down to 3 men. What the hell do I do ??

I can't seem to be able to make up my mind as to whether I am ready to commit to any of these men. What if someone better comes along, always plays at the back of my mind. My personality is such that Im constantly in search for a challenge. Settling is a word i don't seem to comprehend.

From all these, I was just intrigued at how some women can be monogomous and know that the man that they are seeing is indeed the one. How the hell can one be so sure ?? I did some research and most reliable sources say , you gotta know what you want. Hell yeah i thought i knew what I want, but maybe not. So i hope this "wish list" is going to help me decide on the best fit.. and if there is no fit.. its time for the break up call..

• NEEDS : Marriage, children non -negotioble. Financial stability. Fairly stable lifestyle. Christian or open to christianity. The man must be able to adapt to my lifestyle. No rural living
  

• WANTS: Preferably a university masters degree holder. Salary of > 80k a year. Good in bed :P (hey what rship with bad sex does last?? )Catholic. Humourous. Loving/romantic. Must have a decent set of friends.. and yes i stress DECENT. Comes from a good family from an upbringing and socio-economic point of view. Must know how to save money and of course, stylish and looks after himself

• VALUES: Religion, education, responsible, family orientated

• GOALS: He must be career driven and ambitious, must allow me to acheive my dream, be a support, wants to have a family in the next 10 years.

This is what i want from a man that is not exactly negotioble. Well, it might change, i dont know. Maybe I just havent met him.. oh boy !!

"Baby you're all that I want, when your lying here in my arms
I find it hard to believe that we're in heaven" Bryan Adams

Its been months that Ive known you. Though never been in the same room ever, yet there is this immense connection between us. You are indeed my dream man in every possible way, my knight in shining armour. Its such a shame that we are thousand miles apart. Sometimes i feel like just taking a chance, flying over to where you are. It doesnt matter if things do not work out the way I expect it to be, but just a day , with my dream guy would be great.

I hope someday, we would be able to meet. For now, your voice, that cute, sexy French accent is all I can get. ... Oh boy, where else would I find a hot french-viet pharmacist with a tinge of british in him???

Perfecto !!

The fucked up week gone by...

What a week this has been... brutality at its peak. Its been a while since Ive felt inadequate. Well, guess everyone has their day .

The year gone by so far has been so challenging. Today, as I sit here, I just cant wait for it to be all over. For me to actually make decisions on my own and to stop being an intern. Im so tired. Physically and emotionally. Dealing with the study and work is hard enough, but the people is all another story. There has been so many obstacles that I had to face.

Glad to get away from it all next week. Just 5 days of peace and quiet. I shall fly away and leave all my worries here in this land that I am beginning to despise more and more. When people ask me what are my fondest memories of Melbourne, there really isn't anything significant. Might have gained my degree here, but even that moment wasnt as delightful as how it should have been.

I miss Asia so much. I miss being around ppl i genuinely care about. I miss being in love with what I do. I dont know if a new job would change things, or a new man, but I need some form of change. I just need to get out of this rut and do something I enjoy at a pace I am comfortable with.

All i can do right now is stop wishing for my life to be at certain phases and just face the bull shit crap. Oh well, its just another 2 months ( hopefuly) and then Fuck it... im off !!

The month gone by....

Wow.. its been a month since Ive almost blogged. This is scary as it means I havent cracked up much study... oooh shit !!

Guessing I've got to qurantine myself over the next 2 months. Being a fully qualified pharmacist is all I can think . Wouldnt want to fail and go through an extra 3 months of crap. Just so over being an intern.

Indeed the future seems to exciting..the ability to make your own decisions without consulting someone all the time is what I truly long for.

I have been thinking so much about where and what I want to do after this. I guess I sorta know what type of pharmacist I will be, but as each day goes by, I am loving my job more and more. Put me in community and Im loving it or even in hospital. A combo job of hosp/comm/industry would be my ideal week. Whether or not that is possible Im not sure. Next stop is getting the Masters out of the way. I ve been thinking of a couple of different options in terms of futher education. Id love to pursue something in Pharmacy, but also do another unconventional masters.. maybe Intl Health/Public Health/MBA... and this I hope to do in Europe or something

Gosh, all this possibilities are so exciting. The fact that I can just walk out of Melbourne tmrw itself and get a job in Asia or go home to Msia for a couple of months is excuberating.

One thing for sure, I have realised that I am not ready to settle in life. I am not ready to call any place my home or to commit to anything big and scary. Love being young, wild , free and of course successfull... nothing in life can be black while and decided. You can take control of situations, but not plan every situation.

Looking fwd to a great 2010 ( though its about 4 months away) ..and oooh yeah a BIG ROZARIO clan reunion.... Yippie!!!

xoxo

My eventful week..

This week has been a fantastic week for me..

Besides nailing neurology ( one of my most feared areas) , I had 3 fantastic dates, 4 invites for dinner on sat night, told 1 guy I can't see him anymore and had a stand-off gun/knife threat at work


WHAT MORE COULD I ASK FOR ???

When i told my best buddy about this, he just went.. oh my god !! Steph , ur life .... its a ****ing rollercoaster !!!
Indeed it is. I've never experience so many different emotions in 1 week.

The feeling of doing well in your job, the thrill of first dates, the freedom of letting someone go, and extreme fear for your life..

And after all of it, here I am on a Sunday morning ( what I anticipate to be a normal day) looking foward to my next week of adventures. This is life at it's highest for me at the moment. Liberating myself for the regular cliche' is the best thing, I've ever done for myself.. getting out there , saying hi..making more friends has been so amazing and its funny how you realise that, hey I should have done this all the while.

There is a fantastic world out there of pretty amazing, fun people, one just has to know how to pick and choose and be a little careful ...To build a solid network, I realise i cannot rely on my comfort zone. I want to meet publishers, media execs, medical directors and yes I am working my way up there.. Look out for me !!!


Till next time...

Tax Returns already ?????

Yes folks, the end of a somewhat bad financial year has just come to a close. The big boys must be utterly depressed looking at their statements for the year 08/09... but wait.. i know 1 firm who is celebrating the EOFY with champange and strawberries. This is no other than Roche Pharmaceuticals. Swine flu has been a gift from God to this big pharma giant. Sales of tamiflu alone, has created millions of dollars in revenue and big fat bonuses for the boys..how fun !!

Now coming back to my personal financial statement for the year..it has been pretty good. My first year out of uni, earning my own cash, my own interest...its been fairly good. Feel all grown up. But the interesting things here is, I wish i could do a little invoice to all the men I've dated over the past FY claiming returns for being ****heads. Not to mention, the amount of money Ive spent on these pathetic loosers.

I always thought it is fair to be equal. If you pay for dinner, Ill pay for the movie. But boy was I wrong. Men are not the one's who jump to their wallets first anymore. If you (the girl) offers to pay, they 'll gladly say.. awww thanks.. next time on me. And when next time comes, the cycle continues. Speaking to some guy friends, their point of view on this matter was that a girl should pay sometimes, but not all the time. Men apparently love to check out how financially independent a girl is. If she expects a guy to do a lot for her (monetory wise), they would back off.. oh wait.. run for the hills!! So i guessed, guys are becoming smarter in the money department. They don't want to spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars on a girl without officiating things.

Clearly, ive been wearing the pants in most of my dates this year. But oh well, it gives me the power to be dominant over these men lol.... oh boy how vicious am i :P

Well until a strong feminist group comes up with a way to claim returns back from an ex.. i just have to hope on my genital herpes theory...( oh that's for another day :P )

Sigining off....

Volatility and me !

Volatility = measures of instability

Best description of my life for the first half of 2009 !

Simplicity is what i search but yet I get complicated. It can't be everyone or every circumstance around me, it must be something Im doing that attracts complicatedness to myself. And true enough yes. Lately, Ive been reading a lot about personality and how one discovers who they truly are.

In life one goes through many personality reforms. This is very evident in the teenage years, where you are expose to many different environments and people. However, for some teenagers, who grew up in a stable, constant environment, these may not be the case. So when does all this reforms occur??? In your twenties !!!!

I knew and tested a few traits of myself well before turning 21. There are some core believes and attributes that I have carried with me from my childhood. But what about the rest of it? Experience shapes it all. I am one who believes that without experience, regrets, disappointments and joy , you cannot say you have lived a fullfilling life.

Nothing is always sweet, simple, easy and rosey.. if it is, you must be walking on the straight road. You ain't taking any risk and progress cannot be acheived without risk. From all this, i deduced I am an extreme risk taker and i do not think things through enough. I am spontaneous and I always look out for the best in people.

Admist all this volatility in my personal life, im glad to find stability in my career. I walked into my pre-reg year, thinking i knew crap. I doubted every bit of knowledge i had and was not confident enough to make a call on my own. Nevertheless, i proved myself so very wrong in the corporate world. An area i had zero experience in. An experience Ill be grateful for my entire life. Then i walked into the clinical area, and yet again I surprised myself that I exceeded everyone's expectations. The thing is, i set so high targets for myself. I need to feel that sense of great acheivement , but yet I do not believe I can do it. But maybe that is just the way I need to do things.

Things to change in order to survive in this world:
Stop looking at the best in people.. a slight drop of cynicism goes a long way
Think things through to a certain extent (a good week of thinking before taking action is good enough)
stop having expectations
learn to be happy being individualistic.
Do not be so transparent
Belive in yourself

Identifying to my flaws and my strengths has been a great awakening call. I know what I have to do to acheive stability and that's first being happy with my surrounding. If your're not loving it, get out of it ! Change can be good. Saying that, Im gonna start finding every single way, route, method to find a place I am at peace with. Maybe that's the key to me finding my inner peace.

Blip on my radar

So its been officially a week since the "D" event.. and guess what, I finally see light at the end of the tunnel.

As i reflected my loss or wait.. his loss, I realise that not only that I deserve so much more , i don't need this to put up with this absolute crap now or ever.

To put things into perspective, I am looking at our time spend together as just a mere blip on my radar. And that is just how I feel about it at the moment. I am not weak or symphathetic to your reasoning. From this, I feel totally empowered to do what I want , where I want and when I want. There is nothing stopping me and you certainly are not bringing me down.

After every failed relationship, you either choose to come out stronger or weak and depress. The sweetest revenge is being able to look fabulous, come out strong and put out a 100 million dollar smile as you walk out the door.

The way i look at it, the longest time id spend mourning the loss if you , is just about the same time as you put into this rship. Hence.. it s done. 1 week and Im fine :D

Now Im off to enjoying my Sunday rest and perhaps planning a weekend getaway to Malaysia ..

So long my confuse boy...

A twist of fate.. a drop of luck :D

The past week has been such an amazing week for me... Ive been sick enough not to go to work and not too sick to get out of bed and enjoy my 2 days of medical leave.
Ive just spend my days catching up on sleep and on household chores. Trying to squeeze in a little work but that seems just too much :P

Everything is so blissful on this cold winter morning. The sun is shining brightly, the air is so crisp and Im having my comfy warm robe on while sipping a cuppa... and I do have him too :)

The world is such a different place when you actually have someone to rely on. I feel so lucky to have fallen for my good friend. A man I respect, admire and appreciate. A man i know I can rely on and will be there for me no matter what..

It may be too soon to tell, but this is something Im not gonna let slip away that easily. I just pray that God will bless this choice of mine and continue to help it florish and grow in the best of ways.

Yes.. so I am on cloud 9.. Music fills the air .. and the everything seems so much more beautiful now.

Just so lucky !

So what is passion to you?

Over the past 6 months, Ive met countless people who are extremely passionate about what they do and a good handful of people who are disgruntled and frustrated with life. I wondered, which path I would take 20 years from now... would I be yelling at my intern ?? Would i be teaching her/him with the utmost passion?? Would i be a contended and ethical corporate mogul ?? or just frustrated housewife??

I believe its choices that you make that determines your happiness and satisfaction in life. Last week as I studied for my pharmacy board exams, I never had felt more pressure than I ever did throughout my university life. Obtaining distinctions or high distinctions became second nature to me that I never once thought I could fail. I never once doubted myself after an exam. To me, this is probably one of the 2 most important exams that I would be sitting for in my life. Getting through this exam successfully consolidates everything that I have learnt over the pass 4 years and provides me with a license to not only legally practice but to move on and do whatever I want in life.

Recently, I had to write a testimonial about my current job for the younger ones... and I felt so much passion as I penned my experienced down. Each sentence that I wrote truly reflected how I feel about my job at present. That was an incredibly defining moment for me as I knew this is it.. this is where I belong.

On the other hand, i thrive to be a medical specialist as well. The adrenaline rush and the wealth of knowledge that a doctor has is such an attracting force. I could easily find myself talking for hours on end about how a certain function in the body works or on a disease state or even a surgical procedure. Everything about the human body fascinates me.

So here before me lies two of my great passions.. the corporate line and the medical field. From here I came to a conclusion that I thrive on the challenge. Both of these jobs are very demanding. Both of them require extreme dedication. Both of them require a lot of brain power. Not forgetting both jobs are equally powerful and tough.

This is me.. I just am the kind of woman who needs a high rise job in a big city to be completely satisfied. Working as a doctor or a corp exec in New York or London would be my ideal lifestyle.. ( a hot shot dr or corp exec as a partner would be the cherry on top of the cake)

I may not be domesticated and I may not truly enjoy the simpler things in life, but hey Im glad to have identified my happy place :)

and yet another birthday goes by..

You wait 354 days for a mere 24 hours a celebration
Nevertheless, it's all very worth while
Id like to thank everyone for all their gifts, wishes , calls , thoughts and love.
Its nice to know, that there are people out there who care about your existence and appreciate the day you were born.

It was indeed a tasteful celebration with some of my closest friends.

This was the very first year that I missed the presence of a certain someone. Every year, for the past 5 years that is, that very person would make my day an extra special. Its only memories of the time we spent together that I have with me now.

But life goes on. People walk in, people walk out. It's hard to find people that stay put...

At the moment, all I have going for me is my trip back home. Chill with the folks, shop with mum, brunches with friends... that 's my focus that would hopefully keep me going for the next 3 weeks...

Till then.... i shall just bury myself in piles and piles of work :S

The 2009 Essential List

I have been asked if I would come up with a list again this year.At first I thought, ahhh can't be bothered. But then again, I need an aim, I need a focus to work hard and to reward myself.
Hence, this year, it s not about merely buying stuff. I am actually testing out Frued theory on Self -Rewarding

Last year, my list was predominantly filled with worldly possessions. That has since gone pass me. Though I managed to obtain them, I still did not feel great satisfaction. Hence, this year, I believe I have grown. The things I wish to obtain by 24th March 2010 are things that have a strong emotional connection to me (even the material stuff). They are not merely things to prop my life up superficially, but have a much deeper meaning.

Hence I am changing the name from The Wish list to The Essential List..

So for the 2009 Essential List:

1. A wondeful family reunion with lots of food, drinks, music and love

2. Vacation to a country in Asia ( Msia/Spore not included )

3. Sucessful completion of my intern year

4. A job with a pharmaceutical firm or a decent non-chaotic hospital

5. A wonderful guy, who is down to earth , humble, simple and hilarious

6. An amazing group of friends, who I can always turn too and know that they will be around to support me in rough times

7. The red dress

8. Ralph Lauren's big pony polo tee...ooo i love this one :)

9. French Lessons

10. Tickets to a super cun concert

.. ooo I forgot one more.. Board games !! Well this is really because it s a fun activitiy which I can play with my amazing group of friends :)

Review of the Wish List 08

It's almost 1 year since I "published" my 2008 wish list. I have come to the realisation that this is one of the best lists Ive ever made ( as I have stuck to it and probably added even more onto it)

It has a been a good tool for friends and family to get a glimpse into what I like. So now, for the review..

In 2008, these are the things I hoped to get by 24th March 2009 :

1.Ipod- Check. Thanks to WL HY, YZ,SAM

2.Sony T70 - Purchased a Canon Ixus. Thanks to Dad

3. Tommy Hilfinger apparels - Check. Thanks to myself

4. Laptop - Check. Thanks to dad n mum

5. Wallet - Done. Pesonally obtained

6. Roxy's I LOVE MELB tee- Got it !! Thanks to Mel, Cynthia, Jean

7. Sport's girl tote- Check. Personally obtained

8. holiday to any where with a good beach- Phuket. Personally obtained + Dad

9. CK jeans- Ralph Lauren instead.

10. clinque skin care range- Check :)

11. Pilgrim white hot dress.. it s seriously hot :)- Compensated this with 3 new dresses from Portman's, Top Shop and Dorothy Perkins

12. A birthday celebration with my family-- Never got around to it .. :(

Well 11 out of 12 is fairly good, but no 12 weighs more than anything. So there goes, I have fullfilled all my material expectations for the year 2008, maybe not quite so the emotional.

The non-nonsense personality test !

My friend recommended me to try this quiz.. and as I am a lover of all this online nonsense quizzes., I thought why not..

Out of all the personality quizzes that I have done, this has to be the most accurate... here goes:

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

From another test:

Bright and Cheerful

You are always cheerful and charming. You never get too serious with people when they're around, but when you are alone, you think carefully about what they have said. That's because you don't want anyone to see you being too somber. Your personality means you have a lot of friends and you are often the center of attention. Many people who fall into this category become artists and movie stars, perhaps fame could be yours in the future as well.

In reality , you do not need a personality test to tell you who you are. I believe over the last year I have identified most of the traits associated with me.
This has been fun doing :D

The Red Dress

As I walked through the streets of Melbourne on this chilly lazy Sunday afternoon, I stumbled across her. She was the most gorgeous, sexy yet elegant thing Ive ever seen..
I had to get myself some of her. Hence I walked into her home. The smell of her place was so enchanting.. It brought back memories of the times when I use to have time to stroll into homes like this..

When i entered it, I searched around for where she was.. I finally found her sitting slendourly on a rack. Her hanger had a beautiful sign that read "Limited Edition". My heart kept racing as I extended my hand to touch her soft skin... oh man, it indeed was so fine.
The feeling of her skin against mine send shivers down my spine. I had to try her on..
Putting her own made me feel like a star. The cuttings was gorgeous, the backless style to her added a tinge of sexiness to the dress and the bows cried out feminity.

I couldnt help but stare at myself in awe... her bright red was spectacular.It brought out the confidence it me.
I strutted around in her... she made me feel so incredibly hot. It was just perfect. I knew I had formed a bond with her. She made me look good and she knew I would be able to pull her off in the best possible way. It was a match made in heaven..

But like every other rship, there s a stumbling block. She was too expensive for me to take home (at least this month). As heavy as my heart was, I knew I had to wiggle out of her, slip into my old clothes and hand her gracefully back to her current master..

As I walked out of her home, I turned around and secretly promised myself that I will get her. I am yet to know when, but she ll be mine someday...

"The perfect red cocktail dress"

"Little do men perceive what solitude is, and how far it extendeth.
For a crowd is not company, and faces are but a gallery of pictures,

and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love"

A million ppl may surround you, yet the sense of being alone is so profound. Every night I just so wish I could come home to my family. It's only pictures and memories of them that I have to accompany me and get me through the days ahead.

I did it for 4.5 years. It didnt seem that hard. Somehow, something has changed from within me, and this constant battle with my own feelings is making me so tired.

When a child is dropped of at school for the first time, a sense of fear and abondenment comes over them. They are unable to detach from what they know and feel safe in. At this point in time, I feel like that 7 year old girl again, being dropped off at the gates of school for the very first time.. But Im too old to be feeling this way. What scares me the most is the fact that my parents will not be around forever, and who would I have ? Who would i turn too ? Who will hold me and say it's ok when Im down and give me that push to persevere ?

It's something I have to do on my own. I pray one day my sister and I would have a deeper understanding of each other. Right now we are world's apart and I have to be strong to look out for her. I dont know if I am strong enough. I wish i could detach more, but the older I get, the closer I feel to my family. The stronger I yearn to be with them. The deeper I miss them.

If there is one thing I pray for each night, it definetely is the fact that God will make me stronger to walk this life alone. Growing up should not be this hard. It should not be this miserable.

Out of every 4 people you meet, 1 may be nice

Hey that's not just a saying, but in fact it is so damn true. You can walk pass hundreds of people a day, trust me 3/4 of them will either bang into you, step on your toes, push you to get the seat on the tram or even mislead you to believe that they are nice at all. To top it off, "sorry" is such a deja-vu to these ppl

How is it possible to remain nice in a world where 3/4 are mean ??
One friend pointed out to me that in order to survive, one should be 49% bitch, 51% sweetheart. When i first heard it, I was like wooot ! but now , that I myself have stepped into the working world.. it is totally and completely essential. In this essence, I would not so much call it a bitch, but more of a hard-headed woman.
So there you go.. 49% strong headed, 51% sweetheart !!

On a completely different note, i did go to the movies this weekend to watch he's just not that into you.. and of course my blog will not be complete if I did not make a comment about that show. Trying to not give the story away, but overall, there is no definite excuse to why a man never calls back or a woman who won't sleep with you. Each person is unique, but you get the occasional cliche' here and there. I think everyone could relate to a character in the story as it was very real. No cinderally happy ending bull shit , but real life hard facts.. ouch !! it may hurt but then again, it s better to face reality than live in delusion.

I think in each and everyone's life, there is always a defining moment that makes you open your eyes, take a step back and say.. whoooaaa!! I am on the wrong track. Over the past few weeks Ive experienced that.. but not so much as a defining moment but a series of events. I am glad to have found someone who shares very similiar ideals and experiences, hence I know that I am not alone. Just knowing that your're not the only one fighting those feelings is extremely comforting.

For now Im looking fwd to my little trip back.. looking fwd to indulge in everything unhealthy that msia has to offer.. looking fwd to spend quality time with mum and dad ( ba ku teh in the morning after a jog :P ). I too am so excited about seeing my buddies.... and just about everything.

Accidents are a mishap; especially one causing injury or death
Most are visible. You see 2 cars collide, blood splashed everywhere, excruciating pain.

But those are not the only kinds.. there is another, which is much more painful, bloodier and deeper than any other. I belive I am such an accident.

I walk into dangerous grounds... though i understand the risk. I get hit repeatedly but yet, I get up and pull my mangled body into yet another accident. Why ? What is it about me that draws me to walk into my very own crash ?

You don't have to be highly intelligent to make big mistakes in matters of the heart. Just 3 weeks ago, I wrote about how happy I was. At that point, that is how I felt.. little did I know that there is a possibility that 3 weeks down the track, I would be proclaiming myself to be a walking accident.

Is this really me ? Surely not. I am so confused about what and who I am. Every other person I have met wants me to be this other girl that I am not.

While processing a script today, a lady, stopped me, looked me in the eye and told me somethings that I never wanted to hear but probably needed too. It's so strange how these things happen.

The furthest I am going to see into the future starting from today, is what breakfast I shall have tmrw morning. Everything else is relative. There is no point planning.. There is no point in me willing to give up everything just to be with someone who would not even appreciate the sacrifices I would have to make. There is just no point.

Till I figure myself out and who Steph really is... i shall let time dwindle pass me.

A hard dose of reality

So disappointment is inevitable in life. Just when your're on cloud 9 thinking how could anything go wrong, BANG !! it all crashes within a sec.
Why oh why is reality so harsh ? Maybe it s true, Im too young to be cynical about life.
Im still in the " you're falling star, your're a perfect thing to say" phase... but oh boy, life doesnt work that way. No no.. micheal buble' type of romance does not exists.

Should I lower my expectations in relationships ?? Should I go in with a negative outlook to save myself from disappointment ? Maybe. Now i understand why older women are cynical , bitter, and here I am calling them, frustrated, cranky spinsters... but geez I ll probably be walking down that rd pretty darn soon.

Life is so incredibly crazy.. how hard is it to find a man who will play the acoustic guitar and sing "Your're my everything" to you ??
I do look up at friends who have taken the commitment to solidfy their relationships. Im amazed at their bravery and their certainty that they are making the right decision.

Life is too short to whine and wimper about all this.. life is to short to keep thinking about the nitty gritty stuff. Back in high school, falling in love, was so simple and uncomplicated. No worries about future, no worries about financial circumstances and career. Now those questions even hinder us from taking the very first step in a rship. Its become this twisted, question -filled event. The joy and fun of falling in love has been sucked out by our innate consumption to acheive a certain std of living. Did we get it right all along back in high school ?? I think we did.

Its time to let go

Its been 23 years..
I have valued each and every advice, comment, encouragement, disapproval and approval that the both of you have given me.
But I think its time for me to spread my wings and test the waters.
Though Im already living miles and miles away from you, I still feel cluttered and constrained.
Don't put me on a guilt trip. I know my responsibilities. But I have a life to live.

I appreciate the both of you so much.
I love you both with an endless amount of love.
I thrive to make you proud and happy. But I am tired.
What about me ? What about my happiness?

I wish to whisk away to a foreign land.
Jobs would be hard. Life would be hard.
But I should be alright.
If its not a pharmacy job, I am equipped to perform so many other things
You have given me an education. I am able to survive

Let me go.
I know your fears. I understand your fears
I am not sure what my dreams are now. My priorities are changing.
Once, being a cooperate mogul may have been my dream.
Now, being a mother of 2, cheering at every soccer game and ballet dance lessons is what I long for.

If I have a choice between a 1 million dollar job and a family
I would choose the path of a family
No money , no amount of success in my career would make me happy
If I am to come home every single day to an empty house.

So please, let me go. Be happy for me if I find that one thing that makes me happy. Maybe it is my destiny. Maybe its fate.

I will always remember my roots and flock back to it. But for now, I am ready to take on greater challenges.

She is all happy :D

Wohoooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

Finally.. finally I am truly happy in a loooooongggg timeeeeee ..
and the secret to it ... u gotta make urself happy on ur own. Independece leads to happiness.

I was walking home from work today and I thought to myself.. i have absolutely nothing to worry about ( besides pre reg .. but I think i shd be able to crap my way through tht ). Work is just so bloody fantastic. I could not be happier going to work every morning. I have been so blest to find a job that I truly love and it is not a chore for me to wake up at 6 am everyday .
Though this reality will come to an end when i migrate over to RCH for my clinicals, I believe the sweet memories will provide enough stimulation to carry on with the next 6 months of the year.

I hope i do end up getting a job in the pharmaceutical industry after I complete my pre reg. Everything about the job suits me.. i love to dress up..I hate dealing with annoying customers.. I love the power it brings... i love working independently .. and of course.. the hot cooperate men who just cant be left out .

It been such a fantastic 2 months so far. I have learnt so much than I could ever imagine and performed more complicated task than I ever thought I could perform. God has been goood !!

To top it up, my french romance is still bloooming.. fresh as ever. He is so encapsulating.. I just get drowned in his wittyness. He too is one of the most metrosexual men that I have met ( he loooveesss shooesss.. thumbs up ) I cant say if it will ever work due to the distance, but I hope God has a purpose for allowing him into my life. My mum told me once before that you should always pray over relationships so that it will grow and blossom into what you hope it to be. I never bothered doing it with the rest ( which Im thankful for) ... but I find myself whispering to God to pleeeaseee make this wooork :)

In many ways Im pretty asian. Lots of my friends are asian and I talk like an asian.. Hence, i believe an asian french man who is metrosexual will definetely suit my portfolio... for now I couldnt be happier to wake up to emails from Paris...

Signing off in a gleefull moood :D

All you need is hope.

I have not been blogging for a while. Couldnt really get my thoughts and emotions straight for the past 2 weeks. I had a lot of emotions to deal with.. its all like this in Jan. I literally hate the month of Jan. The blues set in when all the holidays have come to an end... and the idea of the coming Dec is too far off.

My parents had left back to Msia and I guess i got use to living with them for the past 6 weeks. Hence the whole detachment process was a bit hard. To add to that, a previous love of mine is getting engaged to a girl he barely knows, but claims he knows everything about her.

It's times like this where I began to wonder if I am actually on the right track, right place. Sure it be so much easier if I walked away from it all and went curling back into my comfort zone, but would that be me ? Would that define who I am ? No I am not running back... I believe I am a fighter and emotions are just emotions and Im trying hard not to let it get to me..
"STAY POSITIVE" as the saying goes ..

Just when i was comin out of this gloominess and was bouncing back into my good ol regular self.. i found a little glimmmer of hope in the corner. It s such an amazing feeling to know that you're not alone and its only a matter of time before your destiny walks right into you.

For now, Im quite happy with my glimmer of hope from France. Though he is beyond my expectations of a man I would have ever considered, but hey... never say never. And certainly no gal would say no to a life in south france...

Ciow !

Hopes & Expectations

Yet another year has just flew by just like wind in that ruffles by through your hair.

Summing up 2008 in a mere few words would be hard for me. It has been A :
-great
-interesting
-adventurous
-bitter
-sad at times
-sucessful
-joyous
-challenging
-rewarding.......year

In many ways I'd always cherish the year 08 as I received my first university education.

Looking into 09, I have so many hopes and expectations for myself... Amongst them would be to save a litte, excel in my career either in pharma industry or taking on yet another degree, travel a little to somewhere in Asia ( India or Thailand), sponsor a child, and loose just about 10kg.

There is so much to look foward to and work on this year.

Jan 1st always marks a days of many goodbyes. Everywhere around the world I know people who are parting and returning back to their daily routines. Hence, thats what keeps me going. Knowing I have to say goodbye to my family and not have mum's nice hot food waiting for me as I return from work, is quite sad. But nevertheless, I believe that when one holiday ends, you always look foward to the next.

I am indeed looking foward to going back home this year.At least i can say this year now :D
A big Christmas celebration for 2009 awaits me.

For now on I shall keep looking towards Dec 2009 .

ps :A big lesson i learnt in 2008 : i Shall Never Celebrate Christmas n New Year's in Melb again.. its festivity for the old folks.. like seriously comeon, I yawned 4 X during the fireworks.. so that pretty much sums it up !