You know sometimes you just get the feeling of living on the edge..
Well recently, I ve been having that feeling. I haven't taken much risk in my life. I would like to say I have played my life safe right up till now. I was craving for some exciting, dangerous, and brave adventure. Something that will take a lot of guts to do... and challenge my principles.
After finishing my degree, I thought i would be very happy. Unfortunately, Im having so much of mixed feelings. Im not blisfully happy as this is not how I planned it to be. He was meant to move in with me and we were meant to be happy. Unfortunately , nothing turned out the way I planned it to be. Hence, my craving for something new and dangerous spiked up.
So .. to cut the story short, I got my challenging, daring , defying all my principles experience. And you know what, it left me feeling a whole lot worse. Cause Im not that person. I like my comfort zone. I thought I would be gratified by doing something exciting, unfortunately all I am left with is a massive guilt trip. I wish i was more carefree... I wish i could find my inner peace. I am never at peace with myself. My body and spirit don't seem to be coherent. Both are extremely strong forces going against each other.
I don't know what is it that I want or need. I am scared as I seem to have lost that ability to be truly happy. Sometimes I do miss having Him in my life. We were not all that bad. And in a way, he completed me. Now Im left with half myself, trying to search the other half is tiring, exhausting and I dont want to do it anymore.
Sigining off in a pretty depressed moooooodddd.. i just wanna crawl in bed and sleep the days away..
Saturday 15 November 2008
Sunday 9 November 2008
The end of an era
It's finally over.. university has come to a closure (for now at least).
What has it all meant to me ?
Personally, this journey has been one of the toughest that I have encountered. As I look back, the study wasn't so bad. In fact, it was good. There were times when the pressure was on, but I never really felt that the 4 years at university was a burden. I enjoyed every bit of my education.
I had a pre-conceived idea of what university life would be, sadly none of it were true. I was faced with the harsh reality from day 1 and I gradually grew into it.
I took a good hard look at myself the next day after everything was over. Who is she and what she has become? 4 years ago, I remember, my teachers use to call me the loud box. Me and my best friend were the speakers of the class. Over the years, I have become this quiet individual, with nothing much to say. I use to be so bubbly , but the cautious side of me has taken over that. University has not just given me education, in fact , that is quite a small part that it delivered to me. Living on my own and growing up has been the biggest lesson Ive learnt.
I have shaped many values and deepen many of my principles during these 4 years. My faith and believe in the Catholic religion has deepen. My boundries were drawn and my personality has grown.
Today, I packed 4 years of memories into a couple of boxes. As I did that, every item that I placed into the box reminded me so much about the toughness and emotional challenge that I endured. Well of course there were joys, most of my good memories were in my 2nd and 3rd year of uni. I was surrounded with some incredibly good friends with whom I clicked on really well and I do miss very dearly.
I came across a receipt today , which was dated back to the Feb 2005. That was my first month here. You know they say ignorance is bliss.. it so is. I never knew what i was in for when I boarded that flight all alone to Melb. As soon as it took off, I still remember how it hit me, that I was leaving back not only my family, but my whole life. It shook me to my very core. My first day in Melbourne, was an "incredible" day. I don't know how i ever got through it by myself.
Now four years later, sure Im fine and happy, but I have not really found myself here. My body lives up to this world, but my soul just ain't here. It's nice to go out, have good food, drink nice wine, but those are merely superficial to me. They don't satisfy my inner-being not give me any long-term pleasure.
Im not even sure why Im staying on. Maybe it's just because its the right thing to do. But, I know for sure, after 4 years, and a loving relationship with a certain place fails to exists, it probably indicates , you ain't hanging around for long.
Im excited about working, yet nervous. On a scale of 1-10, I ll rate my looking fwd to next year as 3.
Right now, i just so damn wish, I was packing my bags and heading back to KL. A city I really do love. More ever so than my love for Melbourne. Melbourne is not my home. Never was and never will be.
--Nites---
What has it all meant to me ?
Personally, this journey has been one of the toughest that I have encountered. As I look back, the study wasn't so bad. In fact, it was good. There were times when the pressure was on, but I never really felt that the 4 years at university was a burden. I enjoyed every bit of my education.
I had a pre-conceived idea of what university life would be, sadly none of it were true. I was faced with the harsh reality from day 1 and I gradually grew into it.
I took a good hard look at myself the next day after everything was over. Who is she and what she has become? 4 years ago, I remember, my teachers use to call me the loud box. Me and my best friend were the speakers of the class. Over the years, I have become this quiet individual, with nothing much to say. I use to be so bubbly , but the cautious side of me has taken over that. University has not just given me education, in fact , that is quite a small part that it delivered to me. Living on my own and growing up has been the biggest lesson Ive learnt.
I have shaped many values and deepen many of my principles during these 4 years. My faith and believe in the Catholic religion has deepen. My boundries were drawn and my personality has grown.
Today, I packed 4 years of memories into a couple of boxes. As I did that, every item that I placed into the box reminded me so much about the toughness and emotional challenge that I endured. Well of course there were joys, most of my good memories were in my 2nd and 3rd year of uni. I was surrounded with some incredibly good friends with whom I clicked on really well and I do miss very dearly.
I came across a receipt today , which was dated back to the Feb 2005. That was my first month here. You know they say ignorance is bliss.. it so is. I never knew what i was in for when I boarded that flight all alone to Melb. As soon as it took off, I still remember how it hit me, that I was leaving back not only my family, but my whole life. It shook me to my very core. My first day in Melbourne, was an "incredible" day. I don't know how i ever got through it by myself.
Now four years later, sure Im fine and happy, but I have not really found myself here. My body lives up to this world, but my soul just ain't here. It's nice to go out, have good food, drink nice wine, but those are merely superficial to me. They don't satisfy my inner-being not give me any long-term pleasure.
Im not even sure why Im staying on. Maybe it's just because its the right thing to do. But, I know for sure, after 4 years, and a loving relationship with a certain place fails to exists, it probably indicates , you ain't hanging around for long.
Im excited about working, yet nervous. On a scale of 1-10, I ll rate my looking fwd to next year as 3.
Right now, i just so damn wish, I was packing my bags and heading back to KL. A city I really do love. More ever so than my love for Melbourne. Melbourne is not my home. Never was and never will be.
--Nites---
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