Walking through fire.

You know sometimes you just get the feeling of living on the edge..

Well recently, I ve been having that feeling. I haven't taken much risk in my life. I would like to say I have played my life safe right up till now. I was craving for some exciting, dangerous, and brave adventure. Something that will take a lot of guts to do... and challenge my principles.

After finishing my degree, I thought i would be very happy. Unfortunately, Im having so much of mixed feelings. Im not blisfully happy as this is not how I planned it to be. He was meant to move in with me and we were meant to be happy. Unfortunately , nothing turned out the way I planned it to be. Hence, my craving for something new and dangerous spiked up.

So .. to cut the story short, I got my challenging, daring , defying all my principles experience. And you know what, it left me feeling a whole lot worse. Cause Im not that person. I like my comfort zone. I thought I would be gratified by doing something exciting, unfortunately all I am left with is a massive guilt trip. I wish i was more carefree... I wish i could find my inner peace. I am never at peace with myself. My body and spirit don't seem to be coherent. Both are extremely strong forces going against each other.

I don't know what is it that I want or need. I am scared as I seem to have lost that ability to be truly happy. Sometimes I do miss having Him in my life. We were not all that bad. And in a way, he completed me. Now Im left with half myself, trying to search the other half is tiring, exhausting and I dont want to do it anymore.

Sigining off in a pretty depressed moooooodddd.. i just wanna crawl in bed and sleep the days away..