Accidents are a mishap; especially one causing injury or death
Most are visible. You see 2 cars collide, blood splashed everywhere, excruciating pain.

But those are not the only kinds.. there is another, which is much more painful, bloodier and deeper than any other. I belive I am such an accident.

I walk into dangerous grounds... though i understand the risk. I get hit repeatedly but yet, I get up and pull my mangled body into yet another accident. Why ? What is it about me that draws me to walk into my very own crash ?

You don't have to be highly intelligent to make big mistakes in matters of the heart. Just 3 weeks ago, I wrote about how happy I was. At that point, that is how I felt.. little did I know that there is a possibility that 3 weeks down the track, I would be proclaiming myself to be a walking accident.

Is this really me ? Surely not. I am so confused about what and who I am. Every other person I have met wants me to be this other girl that I am not.

While processing a script today, a lady, stopped me, looked me in the eye and told me somethings that I never wanted to hear but probably needed too. It's so strange how these things happen.

The furthest I am going to see into the future starting from today, is what breakfast I shall have tmrw morning. Everything else is relative. There is no point planning.. There is no point in me willing to give up everything just to be with someone who would not even appreciate the sacrifices I would have to make. There is just no point.

Till I figure myself out and who Steph really is... i shall let time dwindle pass me.

A hard dose of reality

So disappointment is inevitable in life. Just when your're on cloud 9 thinking how could anything go wrong, BANG !! it all crashes within a sec.
Why oh why is reality so harsh ? Maybe it s true, Im too young to be cynical about life.
Im still in the " you're falling star, your're a perfect thing to say" phase... but oh boy, life doesnt work that way. No no.. micheal buble' type of romance does not exists.

Should I lower my expectations in relationships ?? Should I go in with a negative outlook to save myself from disappointment ? Maybe. Now i understand why older women are cynical , bitter, and here I am calling them, frustrated, cranky spinsters... but geez I ll probably be walking down that rd pretty darn soon.

Life is so incredibly crazy.. how hard is it to find a man who will play the acoustic guitar and sing "Your're my everything" to you ??
I do look up at friends who have taken the commitment to solidfy their relationships. Im amazed at their bravery and their certainty that they are making the right decision.

Life is too short to whine and wimper about all this.. life is to short to keep thinking about the nitty gritty stuff. Back in high school, falling in love, was so simple and uncomplicated. No worries about future, no worries about financial circumstances and career. Now those questions even hinder us from taking the very first step in a rship. Its become this twisted, question -filled event. The joy and fun of falling in love has been sucked out by our innate consumption to acheive a certain std of living. Did we get it right all along back in high school ?? I think we did.

Its time to let go

Its been 23 years..
I have valued each and every advice, comment, encouragement, disapproval and approval that the both of you have given me.
But I think its time for me to spread my wings and test the waters.
Though Im already living miles and miles away from you, I still feel cluttered and constrained.
Don't put me on a guilt trip. I know my responsibilities. But I have a life to live.

I appreciate the both of you so much.
I love you both with an endless amount of love.
I thrive to make you proud and happy. But I am tired.
What about me ? What about my happiness?

I wish to whisk away to a foreign land.
Jobs would be hard. Life would be hard.
But I should be alright.
If its not a pharmacy job, I am equipped to perform so many other things
You have given me an education. I am able to survive

Let me go.
I know your fears. I understand your fears
I am not sure what my dreams are now. My priorities are changing.
Once, being a cooperate mogul may have been my dream.
Now, being a mother of 2, cheering at every soccer game and ballet dance lessons is what I long for.

If I have a choice between a 1 million dollar job and a family
I would choose the path of a family
No money , no amount of success in my career would make me happy
If I am to come home every single day to an empty house.

So please, let me go. Be happy for me if I find that one thing that makes me happy. Maybe it is my destiny. Maybe its fate.

I will always remember my roots and flock back to it. But for now, I am ready to take on greater challenges.