The one after the Great Silence..

Now that looks like a title taken straight out from FRIENDS...but hey I came up with it :)

Its been a month since Ive taken time to pen my thoughts down. This month has been fairly busy for me..

A quick summary of the reason happenings : (gees I sound like im writting a monthly report.. all the work in CSL is making me too cooporate like)
- First of all , my folks are down , and we've been having quite a blast. We took a trip to Sydney (my ultimate fav place).. ate like a zilliion types of food.. and just tried to soak in as much of Sydney's beauty as possible.. I visited Taronga Zoo yet again !!! for those who know me well, you'l knw how much I "love" animals.. hence, my 2nd visit to the zoo was such an incredible " pleasure".. I told myself, the next time I come here, i better be pushing a freaking stroller !!

- Then after holidays and all... results striked. I was very pleased to have done well in my bachelors. Getting an Honours degree has proven to be much tougher than I thought it be, but hey .. I did it !!

- So with a solid degree, comes the career world. I commenced work on Dec 1st as schedule. Did a bit of orientation at RCH before heading off to CSL. Now that I have had a taste of all 3.. hospital, community and industry.. I really can say that I enjoy industry and hospital very much . I feel more blessed to have been given this opportunity to experience both of this areas that I am very passionate about.

- To complete the summary of the month NOV/DEC 08.. i shall end it with a BANG! ..

THE GRADUATION

I have been waiting to call myself a graduate ever since I went to kinder.Tmrw when Im up there, receiving my honours scroll.. I know there will be a couple of things running through my mind...
I shall never forget the effort my mum and dad has put into me from a very young age.. I shall never forget the incredible teachers that I had along the way.. I shall never forget the friends that made memories with me throughout my education and taught me valuble lessons in life.
I believe, every milestone I undertook from a young child to completing my degree has been significant and in someway contributed to the person I am today.

It has been a great year.. ( from my point of view). Lots of ups.. and a fair share of downs too. I would sum up my academic 4 years in Melbourne as something truly unique, special and has made me the person I am today...

Adios..

Walking through fire.

You know sometimes you just get the feeling of living on the edge..

Well recently, I ve been having that feeling. I haven't taken much risk in my life. I would like to say I have played my life safe right up till now. I was craving for some exciting, dangerous, and brave adventure. Something that will take a lot of guts to do... and challenge my principles.

After finishing my degree, I thought i would be very happy. Unfortunately, Im having so much of mixed feelings. Im not blisfully happy as this is not how I planned it to be. He was meant to move in with me and we were meant to be happy. Unfortunately , nothing turned out the way I planned it to be. Hence, my craving for something new and dangerous spiked up.

So .. to cut the story short, I got my challenging, daring , defying all my principles experience. And you know what, it left me feeling a whole lot worse. Cause Im not that person. I like my comfort zone. I thought I would be gratified by doing something exciting, unfortunately all I am left with is a massive guilt trip. I wish i was more carefree... I wish i could find my inner peace. I am never at peace with myself. My body and spirit don't seem to be coherent. Both are extremely strong forces going against each other.

I don't know what is it that I want or need. I am scared as I seem to have lost that ability to be truly happy. Sometimes I do miss having Him in my life. We were not all that bad. And in a way, he completed me. Now Im left with half myself, trying to search the other half is tiring, exhausting and I dont want to do it anymore.

Sigining off in a pretty depressed moooooodddd.. i just wanna crawl in bed and sleep the days away..

The end of an era

It's finally over.. university has come to a closure (for now at least).

What has it all meant to me ?

Personally, this journey has been one of the toughest that I have encountered. As I look back, the study wasn't so bad. In fact, it was good. There were times when the pressure was on, but I never really felt that the 4 years at university was a burden. I enjoyed every bit of my education.

I had a pre-conceived idea of what university life would be, sadly none of it were true. I was faced with the harsh reality from day 1 and I gradually grew into it.

I took a good hard look at myself the next day after everything was over. Who is she and what she has become? 4 years ago, I remember, my teachers use to call me the loud box. Me and my best friend were the speakers of the class. Over the years, I have become this quiet individual, with nothing much to say. I use to be so bubbly , but the cautious side of me has taken over that. University has not just given me education, in fact , that is quite a small part that it delivered to me. Living on my own and growing up has been the biggest lesson Ive learnt.
I have shaped many values and deepen many of my principles during these 4 years. My faith and believe in the Catholic religion has deepen. My boundries were drawn and my personality has grown.

Today, I packed 4 years of memories into a couple of boxes. As I did that, every item that I placed into the box reminded me so much about the toughness and emotional challenge that I endured. Well of course there were joys, most of my good memories were in my 2nd and 3rd year of uni. I was surrounded with some incredibly good friends with whom I clicked on really well and I do miss very dearly.

I came across a receipt today , which was dated back to the Feb 2005. That was my first month here. You know they say ignorance is bliss.. it so is. I never knew what i was in for when I boarded that flight all alone to Melb. As soon as it took off, I still remember how it hit me, that I was leaving back not only my family, but my whole life. It shook me to my very core. My first day in Melbourne, was an "incredible" day. I don't know how i ever got through it by myself.

Now four years later, sure Im fine and happy, but I have not really found myself here. My body lives up to this world, but my soul just ain't here. It's nice to go out, have good food, drink nice wine, but those are merely superficial to me. They don't satisfy my inner-being not give me any long-term pleasure.

Im not even sure why Im staying on. Maybe it's just because its the right thing to do. But, I know for sure, after 4 years, and a loving relationship with a certain place fails to exists, it probably indicates , you ain't hanging around for long.

Im excited about working, yet nervous. On a scale of 1-10, I ll rate my looking fwd to next year as 3.

Right now, i just so damn wish, I was packing my bags and heading back to KL. A city I really do love. More ever so than my love for Melbourne. Melbourne is not my home. Never was and never will be.

--Nites---

The awakening of the maternal instinct...

Between cramming in clinicals, DD a prac test and a allergic reaction to what I think is caused by my relentless consumption of iron tablets and salmon oil together, I still managed to find the time the day dream (per usual)

Yday before going to bed, I watched an episode of Private Practice. And... adison
(wish i cld get her as my doctor) delivered babies as normal. Thing is , that whole episode revolved around babies and family..

I gladly smiled and fell asleep quite soundly. Around 3 am I woke up to a feeling of intense pain and realized that i was sweating like crazy.. yes yes.. as you guessed, i dreamt i was in labour.. out of all things in the world.. ME... GIVING BIRTH .. ARGH!!!

All i can remember was me in a bath tub, there was a lady in white (nurse perhaps), a pretty hot doctor and a vague image of a guy ( i persume that's the baby's father.. but u see they always are blurry in these dreams). I was having a freaking water birth. It really did freak me out.

For starters, Im not even near that zone and birth literally scares me. I like the kids part but not the growing fat through 9 months and then going through all tht pain (hence I always support adoption). But yday, for the first time, it hit me that this is something I may just have to go through and I can't really evade it if it happens. The water birth sparked a sudden interest in me and my inquisitive nature led me to do a google search on it. To my delight, I found out that it is indeed a great way to give birth and it reduces the pain felt. Besides that, it brings the baby into very familiar surroundings as the womb is filled with fluid anyway.

Thanks to my dream... now I am actually embracing the idea of having my own kids someday and definitively water birth (trust me, I ll make the guy get in the tub with me :P )
Sometimes, messages come to you in the strangest away... i guessed my maternal instict has been awakened.

Don't we all wanna fall into this state of mind :)

The A.B.C of love in the 21st century.

Being a 20-something woman who lives in world where dating is no hush hush matter, the questions of marriages and love do come up frequently in every other conversation. If its not friend A breaking up, it s friend B having a crush on a guy... or friend C getting married !!
In recent months, Ive noticed most of our conversations revolve around the fact that there are virtually no high quality good men available and utter ridiculous dating habits. Then you get an email from a good friend saying... "I've found him.. ive found Mr. Right". All i can think is.. how the hell did you survive the single scene/ How did dating help you both find each other/ When can i check out of this ridiculously mind consuming game...

See thing is, in my opinion love ain't just falls from the sky no more. There is no boy meet girl, they fall in love and get live happily ever after. It just aint that simple. In today's dating game, the stakes are higher and the equation is no more a mere plus and minus.
My girlfriends and I have spoken about this countless time... n we , women of this 21st demanding century and no longer in need for men to complete us... we want man to be equal partners, to work together to build a life. Some mandatory requirements include :

1. Looks.. looks..looks.. ( there's no need for a brad pitt look alike... just a presentable fellow)
2. Financially secure.. a 100k job wouldnt hurt :P
3. No mummy'sboy.. if we wanted a baby, we would have one.
4. Metrosexual.. bring on the prada, versace, ted baker .
5. Humourous... a Denzel Washigton may be good in bed, but Russell Peters will work better in the long run

and the list goes on...

Speaking on the other side of the ocean , men are no better. They require hotness.. hotness and more hotness... They too want financially independent woman these days. Hence its all a tick for tack.

People are just more open to things to the point that they are no able to settle for something.. there's always the thought, " What if something better comes along ??? "
I would not deny that I can be picky.. but over this past year where I really began to sus out what Im looking for in a man, I believe the more I date, the more things i discover about myself and my taste in men. It also has tested as to how far Id push my principles.... and yeah I seem to be fairly liberal.
Dating has been fantastic, from single cooporate men, to doctors, to divorce hotties...there's a sea of men to date, but not a fish to settle for.

So the dilemma never ends... you can date and date and keep wondering when will you head to that checkout !

Is mani/pedi the new orgasms of 2000's ??

Ok the title itself gives it away..yes yes I did have a mani and yes yes I did get arouse.. heheh :D

So my blog may not be the most child-friendly blog.. but hey at least I live out in the open and embrace my sexuality as compared to the dozens of women out there who are too embarrasses to even say the word orgasm..

I was in such an overdue of a mani. My nails were beginning to chip of and the sight of it was just awfully disgusting.. long, and unkept. Hence I thought, since it was my last day to a what I can only say a fantastic 2 years at the Eye n Ear hospital.. i ll treat myself to a little mani..

I got all comfy in the chair and in fact I was quite excited about it. The last time i had mani , the feeling was incredible and I was indeed looking fwd to it. The feeling of getting pampered plus a nice massage into my fingers and toes with hand/feet lotion send tingles through my spine.... all I did was shut my eyes and bit my top lip... the feeling was so incredibly sensational , yes it was just or maybe even better than an orgasm ( coz they take much longer to massage ur feet and hands)

As Carrie n Samantha did say, treating and pampering urself to a good mani/pedi or even a hair cut ( when the hairdresser washes ur head and rubs his hands through ur scalp... awwoooo!!) u definetely are left in a state of arousal.. well who needs a man. All i need to do is regular visits to my manicurist and my stylist.. the bonus of it all I feel great and look great at the end of the day ( with sex its just feel great, you don't necessarily look great)

Oh well... as a single woman who embraces every bit of her womanhood... rather than one-night stands and occasional flings.. i rather turn to pampering myself and sqeezing out as much pleasure as i can get from tht.. (no STD'S or babies to think about :D)